it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
