dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
