take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
