I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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