the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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