Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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