i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
