I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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