I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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