Don't make out with my wife yet
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize