I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize