possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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