I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize