the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
