Having a random hookup so left but love u
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
