I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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