The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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