When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
