i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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