shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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