dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
