my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
