At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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