Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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