Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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