k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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