can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
