Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
