The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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