you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
