I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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