What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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