the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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