So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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