he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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