i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Houston, we have a squirter
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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