I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
