Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All I want is dick and wine.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
