Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
