Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
