and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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