ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
