Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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