kristin has been a bad kristin
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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