I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He is an equal opportunity slut.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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