Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Drunk is not a location!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
