Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
