and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think I won the penis lottery.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
