you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
