just come out here and I will go home with you...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
