A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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