I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize