Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
