If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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