Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
false alarm, still single
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize