false alarm. still invincible.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
