help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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