We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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