Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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