If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
