wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize