It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
