Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
